Question
I allready posted my question yesterday, but in the section “submit feedback” because I didn’t understand why this link wasn’t working. Her followes my problem/question: My boyfriend is a Muslim and has problems with his parents accepting me. They never even have met me, but his mother allready said to him several times that if he doesn’t leave me, he will never set a foot in their house again, she has treatend that they will cut him off. I don’t know what his father thinks, he talkes to his mother most of the time. (I understand that talking to a father is often difficult in the Muslim culture) I know that Muslims can mary Christians and Jews if the’re chaste, and I know that his parents aren’t permitted to cut him off just because they don’t approve of this, but what are we to do when even talking about it is out of the question ? What am I to do when they judge me before they even got to know me ? We are boy- and girlfriend and that isn’t acceptable in Islam, but we would like to mary. (Our kids will be raised as Muslims and I’m planning to learn more about the Islam so that there’s no confusion) My boyfriend doesn’t want to hurt anyone, especially not his parents, he has great respect for them. He can’t make his parents see that he loves me so much and that I’m a good girl. Also I can’t help him and talk to them, because he said that it’s not allowed to bring a woman/girl into his parents house. How can I help him with this ? Why is’t talking about it possible ? How can you solve problems when you can’t even have a discussion ? Didn’t Allah create people so they would know one another ? I believe in God/Allah, I’m trying to be a good person and pray every day. My parents raised me as a christian, but sinds I got to know a little bit about the Islam I can’t believe in the christian’s ways anymore. I think that the Islam is for me, but my boyfriend and I agreed that we concentrate on this when our problem – accepting of his parents of us – is solved. I want my relation with Allah to be pure and not being influenced by other things; A boyfriend can not be the reason why I should accept the Islam in my life, can it ? Am I to blame when I accept the islam – and keep on believing in Allah as I do now- to make things easyer for us, because the parents want that. I know a good Muslim not only thinks about him-/her-self and has to think about all the people around him/her, but I can’t accept the fact that our love has to end, just because his parents want this. Is this the will of Allah ? Please give us advise on what to do. Why can’t they talk to me ? How can we make them understand that they cannot judge before they even know me ? And do you have any advise for him, is’t going to be a very difficult dicision.
Praise be to Allah.
We ask Allaah to guide you and to show you the right path,
for He is Able to do that.
Firstly:
We thank you for submitting your question to this Islamic
website, which indicates that you have trust and are keen to find out the
correct answer.
Secondly:
A number of the things that you find strange, as mentioned in
your question, are regarded by us Muslims as normal, whereas others find
them objectionable.
The reason is well known among the Muslims: the attitude of
worldview of the Muslim is based on full submission to the rulings of Allaah
and His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and
total obedience to Allaah, the Creator, the Provider, the Giver of life and
death, because He has enjoined that upon us, and He knows best what is right
for us.
For example: you find it very strange that your boyfriend’s
parents denounce the relationship between you, because according to the way
you were brought up and what you are used to in the non-Islamic society in
which you live, you think that this relationship is something natural and
normal, in which two human souls come together and feel at ease with one
another and satisfy their physical inclinations; he does things for you and
you do things for him in return, and he speaks softly to you and you speak
softly to him, and you can exchange gifts, etc.
Islam does not forbid kind words, good treatment and
gift-giving, but a Muslim man should not be alone with a non-mahram woman
[i.e., one who is not a close blood relative] and be intimate with her
outside the framework of marriage, because the evil consequences and harm
that that leads to, such as loss of chastity, committing zina (unlawful
sexual relationship), the violation of honour, conception of illegitimate
children and confusion of lineage, are far worse than nice relationships and
the exchange of gifts.
If it were not for the intimacy you are seeking from one
another, the nice treatment you are giving to one another would not have
taken place.
Also if there is the firm intention and resolve to get
married in the future and have children who will grow up as Muslims, that
still does not justify this forbidden relationship which involves many
things that are forbidden in Islam.
We wonder, if the relationship is so deep and strong, and you
have the sincere intention of getting married, why don’t you both repent
from this forbidden relationship and immediately enter upon a proper,
legitimate relationship as allowed in Islam, based on marriage which Allaah
has prescribed.
The Islamic marriage contract is not something difficult or
complicated, rather it is very easy. See question no.
2127 and
813 for more
information about the marriage contract in Islam.
Thirdly:
It is not true that speaking to one’s father is difficult
among Muslims. There is no society that is more distinguished by its strong
family ties than the Muslim societies. Indeed, a quick glance at the state
of the family in the west will show that sons are far away from their
parents and the parents’ rights are not respected, let alone what that leads
to of children being neglected and daughters being lost. Islam enjoins
children to show respect to their parents, as non-Muslims who do not enjoy
such a relationship realize. Because the mother tends to be gentle, loving
and compassionate towards her children, and the father tends be to strict
and take a rational and unemotional approach towards things, many children
find it easier to talk to their mothers than to their fathers, especially
with regard to emotional problems. But that does not mean that it is
difficult for Muslims to talk to their fathers.
But some people may have been brought up in a way that was
not entirely right, which may have affected some of their behaviour and
attitudes, but only in a general sense. The Muslim is supposed to love his
fellow-Muslim who is a stranger, so what about one who is close to him –
what about sons and fathers? Each of them should care about the interests of
the other and love that which is best for him. This brings us to the second
point: which is that his parents’ objection to this marriage does not mean
that they are trying to control their son and does not mean that they have
judged you without seeing you. Rather any father – and especially in a
Muslim society – wants the best life for his son, and because the father has
greater experience of life and has lived longer, and he knows how things
are, he does not want his son to do something reckless which he may later
regret.
The father will try to keep his son away from everything that
may be labeled a failure, so he does not want him to embark on something
risky such as this marriage, because marriage in Islam is a strong
relationship which does not just last for a limited time like the forbidden
love of boyfriends and girlfriends; rather it is a relationship between the
two spouses which should be ongoing and stable. So the choice (of a marriage
partner) should only be made after much serious consideration and
consultation with those who know more about life than we do. Naturally the
difference of religion will be a cause of division between spouses, or will
cause problems in the future, especially when children come along. We have
heard of many such problems on this site.
Yes, Islam does not forbid a Muslim man to marry a chaste
Christian or Jewish woman; Islam allows that, but it does not encourage it.
Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) urged us to
choose a wife who is righteous, religiously committed and has a good
attitude.
Hence the fact that his parents have rejected this marriage
was not a hasty judgement, rather it was because they know how things are.
You may say, “My marriage to this man will be different, but
they don’t realize that.”
Again I say: it will be different, but no father wants his
son to go through an experience he does not need, especially when the
current relationship between you is forbidden according to Islam.
Fourthly:
You ask, Will there by any blame on me if I accept Islam –
outwardly – and continue to believe in Allaah as I do now?
The answer is that this is a serious matter. Our pure
monotheistic religion cannot be toyed with, or used for personal motives.
Hence one of the basic principles of this religion is:
“There is no compulsion in religion. Verily, the Right
Path has become distinct from the wrong path. Whoever disbelieves in
Taaghootand believes in Allaah, then he has grasped the
most trustworthy handhold that will never break”
[al-Baqarah 2:256]
If a person enters the religion of Allaah as a game with no
serious intent, he deserves the curse of Allaah and he will be with the
disbelievers, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Verily, the hypocrites will be in the lowest depth
(grade) of the Fire”
[al-Nisa’ 4:145]
Fifthly:
This problem may be solved in several ways, the first, best
and quickest of which is for you to start to learn what Islam really is, the
comprehensive nature of this religion, and how it is in accordance with the
sound nature of man. So learn about the religion of Islam, for no other
reason than to find out the truth and to get out of the vicious circle of
confusing ideas and beliefs that go against sound nature and reason.
Then – if you strive hard – you will come to know the clear
truth and the light of certain faith, and the matter of marriage will become
easy for you – if Allaah wills. There is nothing wrong with your marriage to
this man being a reason for you finding out about Islam.
But if you take this first step, it is better and more
appropriate than getting married and then thinking about Islam.
If the family consists of two Muslim spouses from the outset,
then Allaah will bless it and care for it, and they will be the basis of a
family that is beloved to Allaah, because it is Muslim.
Perhaps if you and your boyfriend announce that you have
repented and get married according to Islamic sharee’ah, this will reduce
his parents’ worries and negative attitude.
If you tell them that you have entered Islam, then the One
Who is more important than anyone else will be pleased with that, namely
Allaah, may He be exalted. If you please Allaah, no matter whom you anger
among your family, He will be pleased with you and will cause people to be
pleased with you.
It may be appropriate – but you need to think about this and
choose the right time– for you to visit his mother yourself, without your
boyfriend being with you, so you can tell her that you are keen to enter
Islam and repent from this forbidden relationship, and marry her son
according to the laws of Allaah.
As we have mentioned above, Islam allows marriage to chaste
non-Muslim women, so why not start to live a chaste and pure life, far away
from any relationship that goes against that?
Your saying that your boyfriend cannot be the reason why you
accept Islam is true in a sense, in that you will become Muslim not for love
of this person but for love of the truth and love of Allaah Who has chosen
Islam as the religion for mankind. The evidence for this is clear and does
not need a strong emotional motive, because the evidence and proof of the
truth is sufficient.
We must not forget, before ending this answer, to commend the
phrase you used in your question, which is, “Since I got to know a little
bit about Islam I can’t believe in the Christians’ ways any more.” This
indicates that you are very close to the truth and that your conviction is
taking the right shape, and that truth and falsehood cannot reside together
in your heart. This is a good sign.
Ask Allaah to guide you to the path of truth and to open your
eyes to the light. May Allaah guide you to the straight path. And Allaah
knows best.
For more information please see questions no.
33656,
20884.
2527.